Picture This

The following photographs are real. There are, of course, real stories behind them.

But let's get real. This is what is really going on:

Obama is critiqued for his inadequate and almost insulting bow to the Japanese Emporer. In reality, he is realizing that the new shoes he just purchased oversees cost roughly two and a half times as much due to the sinking US dollar. "Shhhhiiiiiiiit," he is thinking to himself as he remembered a Macy's flyer with a 15% off coupon sitting at home on the kitchen counter of his White House.

This guy, an Italian inventor charged with changing the world to be a better place one religious informercial at a time, recently introduced the Aquasantiera Electtronica, a device that promises to deliver you unto His Holiness without the poor affliction of the pig flu. In reality, Luciano Marabese seems to be pointing to this pointless piece of garbage as the first in a long line of lies, trash and deceit. His smarmy little smile seems to say, "Seriously. Someone paid money for this! Ha!"

Sarah Palin recently told Oprah that she was praying for Levi Johnson, the son of Palin's grandson and the daddy to daughter Bristol Palin's baby; a comment in response to Levi's latest media blitz/pr stunt of posing for Playgirl. In truth, cameras caught Palin trying to decipher the real reason why Bristol and Levi decided to call it quits. "Poor little thing," she was overheard whispering as she squinted to get a better look at the untouched photos of Levi in all his glory, "His pee-pee is the size of my pinky toe."

Justin Timberlake recently won a suit against a female stalker who proclaimed that they were meant to marry and rule the world. What a whack job. Look at the photo again, crazy. Justin is pointing at ME.

Ged Galvin uses a remote control to use the bathroom after suffering a horrible motorcycle accident that left him with a colostomy bag. I shit you not. (Sorry...couldn't be helped.) He is a young handsome man with a couple of kids and his whole life in front of him. But take a look at the look on the face of this man. "Sweet Jesus. Are we done yet?" He seems to be saying through gritted teeth while at the same time coveting the chubby remote in his palms like a precious diamond or a new born baby. "I knew I shouldn't have had that second helping of frijoles at lunch!"