Monday, September 21, 2009

Agelessness Overated and Overpriced

So I'm having some imsomnia lately. I blame it on the pre-marathon jitters. But now that the marathon is over, I will blame it on the fact that it happened so fast.

It's a lot like the aging process really. We do nothing but ache for days when we are older, more independent, happy and 21. Right?

Then that time comes and we are drunk for an entire year. Maybe we get married or have kids or graduate with a degree in something that didn't require much effort. Like law. Or engineering. Or corporate bullshitting. But I digress.

We awaken to decide that growing up - old - is not nearly as fascinating as we would have come to believe. In fact, most of us would go back to experience some of the finer things in life...like traveling abroad, traveling alone or better, entirely avoiding the walk of shame. In some cases, it was the run of shame, yes?

So that's why I find it especially painful to open my inbox at 4 am after yet another sleepless night only to be acousted by this. "Ageless hair technology," it is called. My ass. $195 for a tiny tube of something that promises to take the bite out of how old and pathetic we feel each and every morning? So light and airy that it's perfectly fine for every day use? Come on now. How gullible are we? Of course you want us to use it every day. It costs $195 per bottle. That's nearly $10 per use. Talk about salon products in the privacy of your own bathroom. Apparently they come with the salon price too. (Isn't this the same concept as buying a tiny tub of Ben & Jerry's for $40? Who would do that? Don't answer if you would, by the way. Bad idea.)

Here is my take: these brilliant marketers have caught on to what I call the "ageful" factor. It's a combination of the normal aging process, rage, awful, regretful and more things rolled together to form this hybrid idea of people and products who are - or suffer from - the ageful factor. It's a time when folks - generally women - hit a space in life where the dawning fact is that time is marching on and nothing can stop it. A few things are promising to hinder the battle wounds, but nothing will stop the clock. And while every person needs to have a little umph and glamour in their daily routine, I feel insulted to think that we are so desperate to spend more than 10 times the price for regular formulated salon specialty hair care products for the simple addition of a word to the packaging.

This is just enough to send me looking for my next half marathon. Ha. I'll show them. Maybe I'll try a full or an iron woman. Talk about not aging. I may just run time backward...then bottle it all up and sell it to the rest of the desperate and deserving women in our world. 'Cept I will only charge what it costs me plus enough to buy these. I'm not greedy, I just don't wanna grow up.